Writer’s Note: This is the third in a series of articles which spoofs news about the poker world. ufa Pages will run a new article every week.
Tanenbaum comes to the front door of his home, rudely woken up from a deep sleep by investigators for the third time in two days.
Barry Tanenbaum Loses Poker Session FBI Launches Investigation
(UPI) LAS VEGAS — The Federal Bureau of Investigation launched a full-scale inquiry into an ugly series of events which transpired recently at the Bellagio Casino-Resort. According to witnesses, local poker pro Barry Tanenbaum suffered a losing poker session. The initial report submitted by field agents from the FBI’s Las Vegas office stated that Tanenbaum lost $435 on April 2nd, 2003.
The figure was confirmed in a preliminary report issued by the Nevada Gaming Board last week, although the earlier report stated the loss amounted to $437. At press time, it remained unclear as to whether Tanenbaum’s dollar tip to the cocktail waitress on two separate occasions factored into the loss estimate. “Yep, it sure looks like Mr. Tanenbaum lost money that night,” Clifford T. Robinson stated at last Tuesday’s press conference. “We have no idea how it happened — so that’s why we decided to investigate.”
FBI Director Robert Mueller outlines investigative plans for the Tanenbaum Case in a 171-page report, “FBI Strategic Focus.”FBI officials were quick to join the Gaming Board’s efforts. When news of Tanenbaum’s ruination reached the Las Vegas Field Office, several agents were taken off criminal investigations and reassigned to the Tanenbaum case. “I don’t know how Mr. Tanenbaum lost money, but we’re sure going to try and find out,” said Wade Hollins, an FBI spokesman.
It all started when Tanenbaum, who makes his living playing poker five nights a week at the Bellagio, walked into the Poker Room at approximately 9 pm and immediately sat down in a $60-120 Texas holdem game. Over the next six hours, Tanenbaum’s fate deteriorated to the point where he had dusted through two entire stacks of $10 chips, or a little over $400. Word of Tanenbaum’s loss quickly echoed throughout the poker room and reached players as far away as The Mirage. By 2 am, dozens of onlookers hovered over the game eager to see for themselves if the rumor was really true.
“It was amazing. Tanebaum just sat there the entire night and took it like a pro,” said Eric Morton, who abandoned his $4-8 game at the Flamingo to check into the matter. “One guy played a jack-ten off-suit and made two pair on the turn, which cracked Barry’s pocket kings. Poor Barry didn’t even throw his cards or curse at the dealer, or anything.”
Poker Shift Supervisor Alfred Ernest confirmed the incident as it was reported to investigators. Ernest stated that Tanenbaum came into the Poker Room at his usual time and sat in the game several hours, then left quietly afterward. “He never even asked for a new set-up the whole night,” Ernest vaguely recalled.
Players who were in the game included assorted Vegas semi-pros, a wealthy attorney from Southern California, a local Asian woman, and two regular $200-400 players who decided to play in a smaller-stakes game because the high-limit section was slow that night. Most players in the game who were later contacted declined to comment, citing the advice of legal counsel.
One exception was Lu Wang, from nearby Henderson, NV. Wang stated she noticed Tanenbaum was losing that night, but didn’t suspect any wrongdoing. “Barry — he alway play too tight,” Wang barked out, when asked to render an opinion as to why he booked a loss. “You want to win money, you got to gamboool.”
“I don’t know what all the fuss is about,” said Tanebaum in a calm voice, who was awakened at 4 pm to be interviewed for the third time in two days by the FBI. “A poker pro typically loses about one in every three sessions. I had an off night, that’s all. There’s nothing to investigate.”
But legal authorities disagreed with Tanenbaum’s pronouncement. “It’s easy to see that he’s in denial — big time,” said FBI Agent Hollins. “Sadly, this is very characteristic of the victims of a serious crime. They deny that the crime even took place in order to block it out from memory. Its too painful for them to reflect upon,” Hollins said.
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